1. To 38 Meadow Avenue
The weather that afternoon was pleasant and
beautiful. The drive was smooth; the traffic was next to none; the music
playing inside the car was soothing to Pradeep’s heart and soul, But he
couldn't feel any happiness about any of that because his head and heart was
overwhelmed with the grief of losing his closest friend Vikram and that
too to suicide. He wanted to avoid this drive altogether because he was not in
the right frame of mind to talk about his friend. But like how it happens for
many, he said yes when he wanted to say no.
His car entered 38 Meadow Avenue, and he didn’t
fail to notice the three vehicles, parked there in the driveway. The Silver
Nissan Altima, he knew it belonged to Nithya, the black Honda Accord
with the New Jersey registered number plate and the letter ‘R’ in bright red
stuck on the rear, he knew it belonged to Neha. He was not very sure
about the Toyota Prius though. When Ash had telephoned him last week about a
meetup to talk about Vikram and the memories he left behind, Pradeep did not
ask him about the people he was inviting. He did not expect Nithya or Neha to
accept the invitation. Their presence now made him slightly nervous. When the
sister and girlfriend of a deceased friend are in the same room, and the cause
of death was suicide, tempers could flare. I hope it doesn’t get ugly!
Pradeep walked to the back side of the house
which was the rendezvous for the congregation. On the deck, against the
backdrop of a setting sun, were seated the men and women who were everything to
Vikram. The people who understood his capabilities, shortcomings and the
potential; the people that he did not think about when he decided to take his
own life. The same set of people should now forget his betrayal and perform the
ritual of talking only the good things about him. The people who will be ready
to do that. How could you do this to all of us, Vikram!
2. Uncomfortable
Introduction
The deck had five chairs with four placed in a
semicircle, and the lonely one was on the opposite side. Ash was the first one
to spot him. He got up from his chair on the single side of the gathering and
shook his hands. Ash hugged him and said in his ears, “Thanks a lot for
coming!”. Pradeep nodded his head and turned back towards the other three.
A tall and broad-shouldered man with a french beard got up from his chair and
introduced himself as Sharath. He did not get the nerve to look Nithya in the
eye, and since she did not raise her head, he felt a sense of relief and walked
to the empty chair. Neha, to his left, had her gaze somewhere else.
“Now that everyone is here, I think we should
start,” said Ash and began the proceedings. “I still can't believe that
Vikram is not with us anymore.” He shook his head and continued, “The
last two weeks feels like the worst possible nightmare I have ever experienced
in life.” Pradeep was able to relate to every word in that sentence. “I
did not want the last couple of weeks to be the memories we have about Vikram.
The best way, I felt was to talk about the life he shared with all of us. He
was the kind of friend that everyone will yearn for, and that is the image I
want to have about him at the end of this day”. He looked at everyone, “I
cannot thank you all enough for accepting my invitation.” Pradeep looked up
at Ash, and he could see his mouth struggling to give a smile when he completed
the sentence.
“I know you guys are familiar with each other
but as the host, I ought to give a proper introduction. Let me go from left to
right. That is Sharath, Vikram’s therapist”. The way Ash used his left hand
to point in Sharath’s direction, made Pradeep feel that Ash was taking the role
of anchor quite literally. His left hand alone moved from Sharath to Nithya, “Next
is Nithya, Vikram’s sister.” Pradeep turned slightly right to look at
Nithya, who looked up to nod her head. “Next is Pradeep, Vikram’s closest
friend,” said Ash. Closest Friend? Pradeep adorned a sarcastic
smile. “And then we have Neha, Vikram’s friend?” The questioning way in
which Ash ended the sentence made Pradeep look up, and he could see Ash looking
at Neha as if he was waiting for her to give a response. The answer never came,
but Pradeep felt slightly uncomfortable because he understood who was going to
be scapegoated that day for Vikram’s demise.
3. Sharath talks
“So, why don’t you go first, Sharath?”
Pradeep was happy that Ash did not ask him to go
first. He had several good qualities about himself, but this particular one was
not one among that. He thought Sharath was probably the right person to start
the proceedings since he did not have the emotional connect with Vikram as the
others present there. At least as far as Pradeep knew.
Sharath adjusted his spectacles and started
talking. “I generally don’t talk about my patients, but this is the first
time, one of them has died. So this is certainly a unique situation”. He
shook his head and then continued. “I don’t think he killed himself. We
killed Vikram.” Everyone including Pradeep turned towards Sharath. Although
they knew that Sharath did not mean it in the literal sense, the sudden
utterance of that had taken them back. Pradeep wondered if that was a tactic to
attract attention towards him by saying something sensational.
The briefest of pauses possible ended and the
subsequent sentence from Sharath cleared the air. “I mean, our negligence to
what he was going through, killed him.” said Sharath and he continued, “I
remember the day he stepped into my office, and there was an instant air of
likable arrogance about him. You know, his flamboyance is that of a celebrity,
a movie star. I called him ‘The Artist’”. Everyone, including Pradeep, was
nodding their head at that remark. “I have not seen a lot of people with
that kind of a persona and a strong character.” Sharath paused again and
then said with a sad face, “I can’t say how difficult and puzzling it is for
me.” You’re not alone there, thought Pradeep.
“He did not have a fragile mind but,” he
said and then hesitated to continue. Pradeep looked at him with interest and
hoped that this wasn’t another moment of fabricated sensationalism. Sharath
hesitated again and blurted the words, “He felt very lonely after coming
here.” Pradeep was not entirely shocked or surprised at that, but he felt
sad that Vikram never told him about that. Pradeep had tried his level best
then to convince Vikram not to make this move, but all he could take was a
consolation that he tried. I told you buddy, but you didn’t listen to me.
Sharath continued, “He used to talk about his parents’ death and how he felt
numb about it, the love he had for his sister, the role his friends played in
his life, his past relationships, etc.”
Pradeep’s mind was digesting everything that
Sharath mentioned in that one sentence. As his friend, Pradeep never ventured
into specific ‘no-fly zones.’ It was to ensure that he never put his
friend in an uncomfortable situation. When Vikram had mentioned that his
parents had perished in an accident when he was a little kid, Pradeep did not
want to dwell more into that tragedy. Vikram was always comfortable talking
about the people in his life like his sister, friends, ex-girlfriends. He, to
Pradeep’s surprise, maintained a good friendship with his ex’s. But Pradeep had
a hunch that there were many no-fly zones.
“I was his talking companion for some time
before he started canceling sessions suddenly. I never knew why but since his
voice sounded cheerful on the phone, I thought he was happy and does not need
our talking sessions. But when I heard about his demise and the cause of it, I
felt terrible because I should not have relied on his words and should have
insisted on him meeting me once in a while. The sad part is I didn’t, and I
think this is going to haunt me for a long time.” said Sharath with guilt
and sadness adorning his face. Pradeep could understand that part, and he had
his fair share of the blame. ‘If only I had done differently’ is the
phrase that caused the guilt for both of them. Pradeep could’ve kept in touch
with Vikram even though a new person had come into Vikram’s life but like
Sharath, he too didn’t.
“Now thinking back, I think behind all the
confidence and strength he exhibited there must have been a fragility that
never came to the surface. All things said, he was one of the unforgettable
people in my life and Ash, like you said, I don’t want to remember him as the
Vikram who died by killing himself. I want to remember him as ‘The Artist’ and
artists never die”. With that Sharath ended his speech. Pradeep looked at
Sharath and everyone there. He knew how the mood was going to be but knowing it
is always different from experiencing it first hand.
4. A Story that no one
knows
Ash looked at Nithya and asked if she wanted to
go next. Pradeep knew the loss is a lot more personal and tragic to her than
anyone else in the world. He remembered Vikram saying that Nithya has a steel
heart and Pradeep knew that the moment he saw her car parked in the driveway. A
part of him was curious to hear her speak but another part was becoming nervous
that he has to go next.
Nithya did not waste time with pleasantries, “I
am not a diplomatic person, and the last thing I can do is sugarcoat my words.
If you feel offended, then please do take offense because it was meant to
offend you.” She had just got that congregation by the scruff off their
neck with that opening statement.
She then addressed the scapegoat situation which
Pradeep was dreading from the beginning. “He is right.”, she said pointing
at Sharath. “Vikram did not kill himself, we did. One of us is responsible
for it.”. She looked to her left, past Pradeep, at Neha, “If not for the
idiotic and immature relationship that he got himself into, he would have been
alive today.” Her voice went decibels higher when she shouted with anger, ”She
drove him to suicide.”
The accusation led to a silence among them that made
sure that Pradeep was able to hear everything else around. He looked at the
angry Nithya and then to his right at Neha, who was sitting there with a stoic
face and lost in thought. The lack of a rebuttal surprised him. “Is Neha too
blaming herself for whatever happened to Vikram?“, Pradeep thought to
himself. The angry Nithya mellowed down a bit, “After two weeks of crying,
even I started feeling numb about his death. You said he felt numb about our
parents’ death, right?” She smiled to herself and said, “Of course! That
should have been obvious to me”. She straightened herself and then started
talking again, “I was anxious how Vikram was handling our parents’ death.
Did any of you know how they died?“. Pradeep looked around, and everyone
had a blank expression except for Neha, who still hadn’t shown any emotion on
her face. Pradeep hesitated to talk but eventually bit his lips and said, “Accident!”.
“Correct but I assume he never told the
details?” responded she, thereby looking directly at Pradeep for the first
time that evening. Pradeep shook his head.
“It was indeed an accident, but you will
never understand what it is to lose your parents in front of your eyes,”
Nithya’s voice quivered, and the dumbstruck audience looked at her with a
captivation that reminded of Vikram.
”I can never forget that first of July when
our parents were hit by a truck, right in front of our eyes. We both stood
there like a statue unable to comprehend what had happened. In that instant,
our life changed from a happy family to go through hell for a very long time. I
was getting better after a month, but Vikram was not. Every night he used to
have the nightmares of that moment. He used to wake up crying every single
night, and I had to rock him to sleep.”
Pradeep and the others could not say anything,
and he could only shudder at the revelations. Every individual’s personality is
just a facade to the world and deep down in the dungeons of their complex mind
lies the real self. Pradeep wondered if he can apply that theory in Vikram’s case.
Nithya then continued, “We were living with our uncle’s family, and I could
have never pulled Vikram out of those nightmares without my uncle’s help.”
Pradeep wondered why Vikram never spoke about his uncle or any of his other
family members. “It took around a year for the frequency of the nightmares
to come down and another two years for it for completely stop,” said Nithya.
“He was a fragile person but not someone who
takes his life. We mourn now but trust me, we will move on but what will never
is the fact that we lost a great human being, a lovely brother”, she
paused, and then corrected, “Well, more an elder son for me. I know I did
say some harsh things in the beginning. I apologize for all that.”
Pradeep could feel his eyes welling up with
tears, and he wanted to hold Nithya and comfort her, but his body could not
move an inch. Everyone around him including Neha was looking at Nithya, who had
her face down and tears dropping down.
5. It’s Time for Pradeep
Pradeep wondered if he should ask for a timeout
to regroup himself but his inner voice was urging him to go on with the flow.
Nithya’s speech made him see Vikram in an entirely different light, and it made
him guilty that he did not do enough to understand Vikram’s struggles. Every
person’s life has a detail unknown to many of his close friends but knowing
that unknown changes the way one perceives that friendship. If only he had
known how much the death of his parents had affected Vikram, he might have
tried to keep a bit more close watch. But he knew the pointlessness of
retrospection and that pointlessness made him a bit stronger. Pradeep opened up
without anyone asking him to go next.
Pradeep raised his right hand to the gathering
and eyes started turning towards him one after the other. He then began his
speech, “I don’t want to blame anyone for what Vikram did to himself. The
most fruitless exercise, I feel would be to analyze what pushed him towards
that decision. I will stick to what Vikram means to me”. Even in that
saddest moment, he felt cathartic inside.
“I never had the guts to express my thoughts
without inhibition until Vikram came into my life and pushed me to talk. I
always had an inferiority complex for people like all of you, and
unfortunately, this country is full of ‘you’ people”. Pradeep did not think
twice about saying that. Pradeep wouldn’t have dared to say a statement like
that before his friendship with Vikram.
Pradeep, now, was not looking at anyone. His
mind had gone back to the days of endless conversations with Vikram. “I used
to say, ‘Every problem our society faces is due to the caste hierarchy,’ and he
never disagreed with or countered my statements. Instead, his style was to
probe me further with questions. I suddenly had someone in my life, with whom,
I don’t have to think and talk. I didn’t have to fear that someone will
misunderstand my words.” Pradeep could see Neha nodding her head with
acknowledgment, out of his peripheral vision. “I would not say that he was a
perfect guy. He did have a flawed judgemental attitude like many of his clan
but where he differed was in his ability to unlearn and change himself. That
taught me a lot.”
“When he got the opportunity to move here, I
tried to persuade him not to take this, but he said he wanted some time alone.
I never pushed him for answers. Perhaps I should have.” Pradeep paused to
organize his thoughts and then continued with a smile on his face, “He came
here for his me-time and ended up feeling more lonely than before. I still
don’t know what to make of that.” The smile on his face faded, and with a
serious face, he said, “That was the beginning of the end of our
conversations. It was very gradual in the beginning, and I was too busy to take
notice, but eventually, we were not talking at all other than the one time we
met where he introduced me to Neha, the new person in his life.”
Pradeep was looking down, not wanting to meet
anyone’s eyes. “When I knew that he was in a serious relationship, I started
avoiding him.” He smiled to himself and went on, “It is silly, but I
thought she should have him for herself. I felt that she has to be the most
important person for him. I know all this sounds stupid now, but that was how I
thought then.” After every sentence, Pradeep couldn’t help smiling at the
childishness of his thought process.
He then looked up to address everyone, “I
don’t care how Vikram and Neha’s relationship went. That is none of my
business, in fact, its none of anyone’s business. It is their private affair.
But it makes me sad that, a relationship that I thought was so beautiful was
cut short by his unfortunate demise.” The last few lines invoked within
him, a variegated series of emotions that ranged from irritation that people
are blaming Neha for his suicide to extreme sadness. Pradeep thought he
delivered a speech that was true to himself and his beautiful friendship with
Vikram.
He concluded his speech by saying that, “Vikram
was not just an artist for me, he was much more than that. He lives in my
words, he will live in all my future conversations, and he will always live in
my memory as the one who changed my life forever.”
6. The Scapegoat tells
her account
Time flew by, and the first sign of dusk was
settling in when Pradeep concluded his speech. Ash got up to switch on the
lights. When he sat back again, he looked at Neha and asked her to go next.
Pradeep looked curiously at how she would start her speech. Two of the four had
already blamed her for Vikram’s suicide. It felt like the final concluding
speech in the courtroom dramas. He was curious to know what went through
Vikram’s head in the last few weeks leading up to the suicide.
Neha was silent for quite some time and suddenly
asked for a glass of water. When Ash fetched the water, she looked at the glass
for some time and took a couple of sips. She held the glass with both her hands
and looked up. Her face registered a smile for the first time that evening. “Every
time a boy dies, it’s always because of the girl he was in love, right?”,
She smiled at that question and looked around for a reaction. Everyone had
their heads turned towards her, but perhaps they did not see the funny side of
it.
“I am not angry with any of you because that’s
what the society taught all of us, right? If a husband commits suicide, the
first thought is that his wife had tortured him and driven him to suicide. How
is that the physically strong male is mentally so weak? Or if they are mentally
weak, how can they even be called as the strongest of the two sexes?”
Pradeep did not expect Neha to start her speech on this note. He thought it
would be emotional, but it was unemotional. Perhaps that was her current mental
state. He recalled Vikram’s feeling of numbness about his Parents’ death,
Nithya’s feeling of numbness and Pradeep wouldn’t rule out a numbness on Neha’s
part as well.
“But that debate is for another day,” she
said. Neha took in a deep breath and then continued, ”You all have known
Vikram for a long time? Do you think that he is like other men?” Pradeep
and others were staring at her without answering that question. Neha’s face
registered a disappointment at the lack of an answer to that question. She
shook her head and said it with a confidence that made Pradeep hang his head in
shame, “Of course, he isn’t like other men. I can bet on my life that he
would have never resorted to suicide.”
The positivity suddenly turned to gloom, and her
face became devoid of any color. She responded to her statement, “But it
happened, right? Police did find poison in his bloodstream. Looks like he had
mixed it in his drink. It’s one of the cruelest ways to commit suicide. I can’t
imagine him sitting all alone in his house, mixing poison in his drink and
taking it in one gulp. Do you think he’s capable of that, Pradeep?” Pradeep
looked at her and shook his head. She nodded her head and said, “Of course
he isn’t capable of that, but it happened, right?” Pradeep just nodded his
head. Pradeep wasn’t very sure what Neha was trying to do. It could be that
she’s finally coming to terms with Vikram’s suicide.
Her voice and face were going through
vicissitudes of emotions. “Of course it did happen. But Pradeep, have you
ever seen Vikram drinking alone?”, she said with a tone that suggested that
she is getting somewhere.
Pradeep thought for a second and said, “Nope.
He never drinks alone”.
“Ah! Now we are getting somewhere!”, She
said with mild amusement. In that most fleeting of seconds, Pradeep felt like
just looking at her. But that made him guilty, and he just threw that
sacrilegious thought of ogling at his dead friend’s girlfriend out of his head.
She continued with an energy that was absent until then, “Then either he did
something for the first time, or someone else gave him company. So if someone
did drink with him, isn’t it”, she paused to look at everyone and then
said, ”Isn’t possible that he didn’t kill himself and someone poisoned him?”
Pradeep heard murmurs of “What, No way,
That’s impossible, Who’d have done it“ all around him but he did not look
anywhere else other than at Neha. Even Neha was not looking at anyone other
than Pradeep. “It’s technically possible isn’t it, Pradeep?” The tone was more
of a implore than a question.
“Yes. But Vikram did not even have that many
friends, let alone an enemy who wants to kill him!”, answered Pradeep.
“What if,” she responded to Pradeep, “What
if it was a friend? What if that friend had a past with me? What if that friend
was so disappointed in me that I rejected him and chose Vikram instead? What if
that friend, whom I thought was so innocuous is capable of something sinister?
What if that friend had covered everything so brilliantly that even Sherlock
Holmes would have thought of it as suicide? ”
The world around Pradeep was going dizzy and
black. His mind, though, was raising the most important question of all, “Is
that friend present here?”
As if reading his mind, Neha did an affirmative
nod and threw the glass she held in her hand at the figure sitting opposite to
all of them.
7. Epilogue
The next 30 minutes felt like an eternity to all
four of them. The events of the day were not something any of them were going
to forget for the near future. Vikram their brilliant brother, friend, and
sweetheart was plucked away from right under their noses to the most trivial
thing called jealousy of another man. It was a closure of sorts for Sharath’s
heart who will be able to move on with his life. For Nithya, she will have to
live out the rest of her days mourning the premature loss of another of her
family members. Neha will have to start believing in life and love again.
Pradeep will have to wonder if there will be another “Artist” in his
life.
